Can You Voice What You Want In Sex?
Long term relationships can often shift into the problem of thinking that if they bring up topics of sex now, then they mighthurt partner’s feelings.
“He’s going to know that I fake my orgasm and feel like he’s an insufficient partner.”
“She might feel like she’s not enough for me sexually.”
“He might think I don’t love him or am attracted to him.”
So you’re protecting your partner from getting their feelings hurt…but could you actually be sheltering them and sabotaging your sex life?
Remember that our sexual likes/dislikes/curiosities do not stay static over the years. They change. YOU change. Your partner changes.When the two (or three or four) of you initially got together you may have liked a specific stroke or type of play that maybe has evolved over the years. Have you given yourself a chance to update that script? Or are you still running the same game plan years later? Your body and erotic mind may not be stimulated that same way anymore. And yet you insist upon using an expired condom?
Think of this as exploring the evolution of your sex life together and keep discovering something new. Besides, you don’t want it to get boring or the same old thing now do you?
Here’s a few ‘tips’ to help you get started:
Remind yourself (and your partner) that your own sexual script and turn ons/turn offs is your own and not personal to your partner. No one is an inadequate partner because they don’t know what gets you going. Allow yourself to be a student to their sexual pleasure. Allow yourself to be their teacher. Anyone got a school girl costume?
Start with appreciations of what you like sexually about your partner and what they do for your pleasure. Appreciations are powerful ways in letting our partner know that we see and acknowledge them. It allows defenses to drop and intimacy to be built.
Give yourself permission to figure out what you like. No one is born knowing naturally what turns them off. We figure it out by playing and exploring and trying things out. “Whoop, nope. Don’t like that.”–but you wouldn’t know unless you tried.
Maintain a play mindset. One in which you enjoy the process of exploration without attachment to outcome or self worth as a sexual partner. As in, don’t grip tightly to exploration just for orgasm, let exploration be for the sake of exploration and enjoyment.
Include your partner in the exploration and discovery. “Hey babe, I’ve always wanted to try….” “You know, ____ sounds really sexy. Wanna try it out?” “What if tonight we….” “I wonder what it would be like to…”
Check your mental critic. Thoughts of “He will think that’s weird” or “I have to do this right” are only going to cause you to contract and create more difficulty in relaxing to release (and orgasm). How would you prefer to think about this? What would be a more productive thought?
Guide your partner’s hands to what kind of touch and where feels good to you.
Use non-verbal sounds, body movements and cues to encourage your partner in what feels pleasurable. It’s like a sexy reinforcement and reward system for more of that juicy goodness. 🙂
Make play to make love. It doesn’t have to be so serious. Get silly. Get creative. Get naked.
Want more about eats, play, and sex? Check out this week’s episode #14 with Barry Selby on our podcast Eat.Play.Sex. in iTunes. We get deep talking about masculine/feminine energies, self-love and care, and how to create sizzling attraction through polarity. While I support all styles and formations of relationships, Barry brings in some great points to ponder about how we are each showing up in the world and how we are allowing others to show up for us.
Dr. Cat Meyer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is also a Sex therapist combining yoga, reiki, and psychology for a holistic approach to healing. Learn more about Cat on her website and follow her on instagram@sexloveyoga