My Worth Isn't Contingent Upon You

As young women,

We know how to play the game —


We grow up to be chased,

We figure out the rules,

We learn to maintain control,

We use a set of manipulative tools,

All to keep ‘him’ coming…


We are conditioned to believe that only certain pieces of us are worthy of being seen…


So we hide.

We pretend.

We shape-shift and bend.


Only extending specific parts of us,

Showing certain aspects of us,

Repressing the whole of us. 


…All to receive ‘his’ love.


And we become addicted to it,

Like with cocaine, the brain becomes lit.

Neurotransmitters firing off, as if we are high…

Dependency ensues and it’s impossible to say goodbye…


…Even when we know it’s time.


And so when the ‘honeymoon phase’ ends,

And our hidden parts begin to seep in,

We feel the ground fall away,

And lose ourselves when he doesn’t stay.


…These are expired beliefs. 

And it’s time for a new reality!


There is no losing of myself,

An illusion based on the delusion that I’m not already whole. 


There is no ‘honeymoon phase’,

As I choose to expose my ways right away,

And share my deepest heart with you.


There is no addiction,

As my worth isn't contingent upon you,

And my lovability isn't dependent on anything you do.


There are no games, 

No need to be chased, 

No manipulative exchange,

When transparency is at the root of every move we make. 


Our love doesn't fade, 

it deepens with time,

As I take responsibility for whats mine 

Rather than blame you for my pain.


This isn't a fucking game.


I am not here to win you,

Control you,

Or keep you…


…I am here to love you without constraint.


And the way that I do that

Is by showing you all that is me,

While revering my vast totality.

(Irrespective of your beliefs)




…Here’s my heart,

Bloody and all. 


You have it from the start. 



The Feminine Heart





I spent my whole life searching for love outside of myself; it wasn't until I found it within me that he appeared.

"Love in The City: Tales from the Feminine Heart" is a column devoted to vulnerably conveying the words of my heart through the unfolding of the greatest love I've ever known.



Jessica Winterstern B.Sc., M.Ed., M.A., is an intimacy and relationship coach who helps women and men discover the love they've been yearning for all their lives. Learn more about Jessica at and follow her at@jessicawinterstern and @thefeminineheart